If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
