So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
