I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
