i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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