James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
