She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
True strength comes from lack of pants
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
