Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
