just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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