he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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