So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
