i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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