i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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