Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
