dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
