I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
