He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
