Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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