My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
