if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
