How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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