i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
