dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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