9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
