I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
