This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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