I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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