bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
