I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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