dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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