I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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