she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you would pick up someone in the library
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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