Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
