we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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