My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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