i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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