i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
wow bdsm is so cute
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dear god my vagina.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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