i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
