my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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