Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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