Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
