my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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