Pants 0. Shit 1.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
