One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize