Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
