I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize