i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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