somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We don't watch enough power rangers
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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