about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
