All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
