you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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