He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
