you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
