guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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