Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
