im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
