I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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