I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize