Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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